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Ode to a lost love... Learning to love my body


Having an eating disorder is not just about food. It is about who you are as a person. It is about what is below the skin, what the underlying concerns and issues are.

For me it is about self confidence, self esteem, self sabotage, it is about my body. It is about who I am as a person, who I was in the past and who I want to be.

As an artist, my work is always about exploration, experimentation, education, communication. It is about me. It is about my life. It is an autobiography. I am not just a painter, a sculptor, a performance artist. I am an artist using all of these tools to tell my story. I share my anxieties, my fears, my angst, with and through my work.

My newest body of work happened spontaneously almost accidentally in a hotel room. Who knew!

I have always looked to art history for help and inspiration. The beautiful curvy women of Reubens; The gorgeous luscious bodies of Jenny Saville and Lucien Freud; The distorted, compelling faces of Ana Mendieta and Cindy Sherman; Looking at the 'other' through the eyes of Diane Arbus.

I look at these figures and see beauty, bravery and confidence. Through art, I have learned to face my fears in order to move forward and love myself. (Or at least try to.)

Many things take place in hotel rooms.

Who knew that my next series of work would happen accidentally one fall morning after watching the sunrise and forgetting to turn off the light in the bathroom.

This particular hotel room had a sliding bathroom door with frosted glass. It's funny, I had wondered why a bathroom, a space normally meant for privacy would need a door that blurs that line and offers a glimpse into someone's most intimate space.

But again, we are in a hotel room.

There was an ethereal glow behind the frosted door. I saw a multitude of possibilities. On the outside, I am pretty shy and reserved when it comes to my sexuality. I wear this armor of fat that holds me back, keeps me contained inside a shell.

When I started shooting these photos with my phone, on a timer and on blast, I felt free. I was having fun. Even though there was a glass between my body and the camera, I was playing into ideas that my body could do anything. Yes, it is curvy and round, but it was much more. It was pliable and changeable and created brilliant silhouettes that focused on form, line and shape. It wasn't my ugly body anymore. It was a beautiful instrument of creation. Not as in creating a life, but creating beauty.

This new body of work is about: confrontation, weight, shape, excess, history, voyeurism, objectification, control, confinement, containment, self esteem, confidence, bravery, revealing and concealing, authenticity.

It is a hyper-personal exploration of being overweight. It is about taking control of my body in a time where #metoo is about our bodies being controlled by someone else.

It is a fracturing of innocence and beauty.

It is an ode to a lost love. A love of one's self.

It is a reclaiming of identity, of beauty, of self.

it is fat liberation.

It is about having the freedom to make my own choices and not be afraid or worried about what others think.

It is about the body being a political battleground.

It is about vulnerability and empowerment.

It is about me.

More new work in process...


Plus, a solo exhibition of the new work opens at Ark Gallery in Altadena January 21st 4-7pm

More info to come.

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