"My Life as an Avatar"

Digital Performance and Documentation, 2009-2010
Master's Thesis Project

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"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?" —J.K. Rowling

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The Story of Gracie Kendal

Gracie Kendal has everything I've ever wanted: she's beautiful, thin, blonde-haired, and blue-eyed. She lives in a lakefront home with three dogs, maintains her own art studio, and enjoys tremendous success as an artist with dozens of exhibitions and media coverage. She's been listed as one of the most influential artists in her world.

There's just one catch—Gracie is my avatar, existing entirely within the virtual world of Second Life. She is my self-portrait, alter ego, and inner conscience, created three and a half years ago as I grappled with issues of identity, self-acceptance, and body image in our media-saturated world.

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The Daily Documentation

Beginning November 1st, 2009, I embarked on a year-long journey of self-exploration through "The Gracie Kendal Project." Every day, I photographed both myself and Gracie, placing our images side by side to compare the real with the virtual. What emerged was an unexpected dialogue—conversations that evolved from simple comparisons to complex comic-like exchanges where Gracie became increasingly distinct from me, more confident, sassy, and brave.

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Through my blog at graciekendal.wordpress.com, I documented this daily ritual of comparison and conversation. Gracie began talking back, teasing me when I was self-critical, cheering me up during difficult times, and celebrating my successes. She embodied what psychologist Paul Bloom describes as our "multiple selves"—competing aspects of personality that vie for control within each individual.

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The Transformation

Inspired by Stanford's research on the Proteus Effect—which showed that people who use attractive avatars become more confident in real life—I decided to experiment with literally becoming Gracie. In March 2010, I documented my physical transformation: getting my nose pierced, dyeing my hair platinum blonde, professional makeup, and shopping for new clothes.

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Simultaneously, I transformed Gracie into me—creating an avatar based on my actual body measurements, complete with asymmetrical eyes, crooked nose, and fuller figure. The discomfort I felt in both directions was revelatory: as I became Gracie, I felt like I was wearing a heavy mask, while watching Gracie inhabit my real body shape in the virtual world was equally unsettling.

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VB15 Gracie/Kris Performance

The project culminated in a major performance piece inspired by Vanessa Beecroft's durational works. I created sixteen avatars arranged in a 4x4 grid, transitioning from my real-life appearance to Gracie's idealized form across four columns, with four different costume changes across the rows. For two hours, these avatars stood motionless, creating a visual meditation on transformation, identity, and the gap between our real and virtual selves.

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Finding Grace: 6 Portraits in the Pursuit of Balance

The final component was a series of professional portraits documenting both Gracie and myself before and after our mutual transformations. These large-scale photographs revealed the psychological weight of inhabiting different identities and my ongoing search for balance between accepting who I am and aspiring to who I might become.

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Theoretical Framework

This work builds on the rich tradition of artists exploring identity through transformation—from Duchamp's Rrose Sélavy to contemporary practitioners like Cindy Sherman, Lynn Hershman Leeson, and Eleanor Antin. Like these pioneers, I use technology as a tool for examining how we construct and perform identity, particularly in an age where digital personas increasingly shape our sense of self.

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My avatar exists in the liminal space between fantasy and reality, serving as both escape and mirror. In a world where "visually aggressive advertisements dictate how to look, how to act, what to buy and most importantly what is desirable," Gracie represents both the problem and a possible solution—a way to explore idealized identity while ultimately working toward self-acceptance.

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Legacy

"My Life as an Avatar" established the foundation for my ongoing exploration of digital identity, virtual communities, and the psychological impact of living between physical and digital worlds. This early work with Gracie Kendal demonstrated how avatars function not merely as escapist fantasies, but as genuine tools for self-discovery and transformation.

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The questions I began asking through Gracie—about authenticity, identity construction, and the relationship between our physical and digital selves—have evolved into my current practice examining how emerging technologies reshape human experience and community. Just as I once explored the boundary between myself and my avatar, I now investigate how AI and digital technologies are transforming society, often in ways that mirror the identity fragmentation I experienced through virtual worlds.

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My recent work continues this thread of questioning what constitutes authentic identity and meaningful connection in our increasingly digital age. The daily documentation and dialogue I maintained with Gracie established my methodology for deep, sustained engagement with digital phenomena as sites of genuine human experience rather than mere technological novelty.

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This trajectory from avatar exploration to broader technological critique represents a natural evolution in my practice—using art to examine how digital technologies reshape our understanding of identity, community, and authentic human experience in an interconnected world.