Working it out…
So today is Day 8 of this journey that I’ve embarked on. So far so good. I am excited about where it will lead, but still getting my feet wet and trudging my way through. (Hmm I should be a creative writer!! Hahaha NOT) Today I pretty much stayed home and vegged all day. I have been so overwhelmed with ideas, work, school, bills, weight, eating, guys, money, car trouble, you name it… it’s on my mind.. I just needed a day to unwind, relax and not think about hardly anything.
I even took my time posting this update. But I wanted to get it out here. I want to keep up with this. I am finding the element of collaboration helping with the experience here. I had thought of a support group of sorts. Maybe in-world or out. Whatever works. I was talking to a friend earlier and I think art can have an amazing ability to spark conversation, dialogue and debate. This collaboration has almost become a ‘consciousness raising’ of sorts. Which I find really amazing. I thank you to all for contributing and hope you continue.
One of the great comments I received recently was about working towards a physical goal:
“I was also wondering about if there could be some kind of unification/integration between the two of you…. and perhaps it could be a trajectory of sorts??? … I’m just thinking right now, what if you were to have some sort of physical regime, in addition to the discipline of your documentation and all, to try to merge your real body with that of your ideal (Avatar) and or have her look more like how you look now (i only mention the other way first because it could only make you healthier physically and feel better mentally )??? Just a thought.” (Thank you so much Sabrina)
In regards to this comment. This is one of the ideas I had thought of when starting this project. Becoming more like Gracie, physically. I have said before that I am uncomfortable in my own skin. (and forgive me if I repeat myself. I find this is also like a journal, and I tend to just type in a stream of consciousness style). I can feel my fat. I can feel the bulges. I feel heavy. The last 3 months I have gained over 30 pounds. It is my fault. I have been binge eating. I admit I have issues. The fat has just gone right from the ice cream container onto my hips, stomach and butt. (where it never went before…ugh!!) Food has been a huge part of my emotional life for a long time. And not for the better. I have struggled with food issues for as long as I can remember. I am an emotional eater. I had a panic attack (again forgive me If I told this story already) almost 2 years ago. I thought it was an anaphylactic shock from food allergies. From this I developed a fear of the food I thought I was allergic too (due to false positive allergy testing). I was only eating a few foods. Period. I lost 30-40 pounds in just a few months and was down to 167. In August I weighed 176, and today I weigh 199. I don’ t want to go up to my all time highest weight of 227. I don’t want to go above 200, but I fear the way I’ve been eating the last couple of days is gonna wreck that. That’s okay. I just won’t weigh myself for a couple weeks 😛
Anyway. I am in counseling to help with the food issues. It’s all psychological. A lot of it stemming from childhood. I am becoming more aware and have an amazing counselor who is helping me work through this. For the last few months I have been trying foods that I was afraid of, and unfortunately I’m back to eating quite a bit. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream from Baskin Robbins and the Red bean and cheese burrito from Del Taco are the two main foods right now.
I used to know how to eat healthy. I used to know how to exercise right. Not that I did either of these things consistently. I want to try again though. I have realized that I can’t do it alone. What I am looking for in this project is empowerment. Even though I am both Gracie and Kris, it all comes from within. I know I can’t do it alone. I have tried. I need help. This collaboration with you is a huge start. Just the support I have received so far, is amazing, and I thank you again!!! I have contacted the Kinesiology department at CSU Northridge to see if they will work with me. Maybe I can work with a Graduate student there. I haven’t heard back yet, and will contact the fitness center next. I can’t afford a personal trainer or a cook, so this part is going to be tough. I am going to make an appointment with a nutritionist at school and go over a healthy eating plan. I am also going to make an appointment with my doctor just to make sure I am healthy. I want to be healthy and fit. That is the most important. I want to live a healthy lifestyle. I want to be able to dance and not feel the fat jiggling heavily on my thighs. I am tired of feeling fat, tired and unmotivated. Everyday I see people walking in their neighborhoods, walking for health, walking their dogs, walking just to get some fresh air. I envy them. I want to feel as good as they look. I just don’t yet. I saw my shadow while walking the other day, and didn’t like what I saw. I was slouched over a bit and just looked sloppy. I hate that, because I know that is not who I am.
Thank you again for your support!!!!