“What people think about you”

Sighs!!!!

It’s 630am on a Sunday and I’m awake… Figured it’s the perfect time to update my blog 🙂

(I have been trying to attach images, I have a new comic… but for some reason they aren’t attaching. I don’t know if it’s due to the malware problem I had a month or so ago, or a firewall issue… I can’t attach images to my mail either… BUT I can attach to Facebook, twitter and plurk…so who knows. {You can add me on FB at Kristine Schomaker, Twitter as Gracie Kendal, and Plurk as Gracie Kendal- I think..LOL})

Anyway… I woke up thinking about a pie chart my friend, Mako posted on plurk the other day. The chart is titled “What People Think About You.” A tiny slice of the chart says “you’re funny.” A little bigger slice says “You’re Ugly,” and a little bigger slice says “You’re good but could be better.” The remaining portion, which is more than 3/4 of the chart, says “Nothing! Stop caring about it, people don’t give a fuck about you and you too!” Of course this is meant to be funny, a joke and it seriously is… Hahaha But, it got me thinking about our perception of what people think about us.

I know I am always wondering what people think of me. Not in the narcissistic, egotistical way, but in the low self esteem, low self confidence way. If I say something stupid or silly or “wrong” do people dwell on it and think, “OMG she is an idiot?” Or, If I wear the “wrong” thing, do people judge me and base their ideas of me on how I look? Does that perception carry over so when people think of me, that is all they think about, the bad stuff?

Hmmmm maybe now we are getting to the crux of the matter. Why do I have such a negative self image of myself? Besides some of the internal issues I’m working through… a large part of it us our society. I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. Well at least I felt overweight even when I probably wasn’t. ( I say this as I look back on pictures from even 5-10 years ago and think… WOW I wasn’t that bad after all.) I am sure part of this is because of how our culture believes that thin is beautiful, fat is ugly. Unfortunately, it’s true. Every TV ad you see, every magazine article/ad shows beautiful thin men and women and they say “This is how you get success. This is how you find true love. This is who you want to be. If you aren’t this thin, beautiful person, you won’t be happy.” I am able to think critically about this now, but the damage is done. These thoughts are always in the back of my mind. After years of reinforcement of not feeling wanted and needed, loved and supported. After being dismissed, judged, criticized, discriminated against for who I am… it is hard not to believe it.

I have an eating disorder. I have been going to an amazing eating disorder support group the past few weeks and have started to look at why food has controlled my life for so long. The people in this group are of all different sizes, shapes, genders, ethnicities, yet we all have the same issues we are dealing with which have nothing to do with food. Each session has been even more powerful in opening up and realizing who I am and who I want to be away from the outside world of TV, Magazines, etc. I still have a long way to go, but it’s a start.

As long as I am dealing with these issues, Gracie is right beside me. It doesn’t matter if Gracie is thin, beautiful, smart, etc… she is me, and we are working through this together.

I am sorry for not posting more the past couple months. Hopefully that will change, especially when I get my attachment problems figured out.

Thank you all so much for your support!!!