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How to feel…

What does this mean? This word, feel?

How do you feel? How do I feel? I still don’t know. I am afraid to feel.

Or rather I am struggling to learn how to feel. For many years, I have bottled up or hid my feelings. I have tried to stay strong and intelligent and ‘feeling-less’ because I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak. (Thank you Barbara for your plurk regarding this idea). When I had my panic attack almost 4 years ago now, my body was saying enough is enough. You need to face these feelings. You need to learn how to feel. I know this. I am working on this. But I still don’t know how. Or rather I still hide.

I sit at work sometimes tearing up over the sometimes sad, sometimes amazing stuff that goes on in the Emergency Room. But I don’t want anyone to see. I hide the tears inside. I stay alert and powerful. I am afraid that if I cry, I will lose that power. Plus what will people think of me if I cry? That I am weak? That I can’t handle my job?

That I am human???

I almost cried in therapy the other day. I have kind of teared up in a couple of sessions, but again I held back. Maybe I am not ready to let go? I understand to feel is to be brave, to be strong, to be powerful. Why can’t I feel?

Ok, maybe the problem isn’t that I can’t feel. Because I do feel sometimes. We just had some very very sad news yesterday and I am heartbroken. I came home and cried. So I am capable of feeling. Sometimes I just choose to not feel. Is it easier? Is it because I am alone and can’t share my pain with anyone? Why???

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