Kris- Who are you?
Gracie- What do you mean?
K- I mean, Who are you?
G- I’m Gracie.
K- Well, I know that, but, Who are you?
G- I’m you.
K- Well, I know that too, but what does that mean?
G- What do you want it to mean?
G- Seriously, Who do you think I am?
K-I think you are a representation of me. My surrogate. My Proxy. I think you are someone who I want to be.
K- Well, ok, I am already you, but I am more comfortable being you than being me. I am not comfortable in my skin. I feel more like myself in yours.
G- Why do you think that is?
K- Well, I’m not sure. Part of it is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being judged or being looked down on because I am not ideal for our society.
G- but… hmmmm.
K- When I am you, I am free to be real. I am free to come out of hiding.
G- Why are you hiding?
K-Well I don’t know that I’m hiding, per se, but it comes downn to that rejection thing again. I don’t know.
G-Yea me neither. So what are you eating right now?
K- Ummmm, why do you ask?
G-Because I know it can’t be good. So spill.
K- *rolls eyes* M&M’s
G- Ugh!!! I thought you quit cold turkey??
G- Why did you start again?
K- Because they sounded good.
G- Uh huh!
K- Well they did. Ok, plus I’m sitting at work and I got the munchies. Especially where I’m working and who I’m working with today. It’s comfort food.
G- Yea, I know. But you need to stop. It’s just not good for you. Think of Dad!! Don’t forget he died at 50 years old from a heart attack. You’re 36. You need to think about your health.
K- Yea I know. I hear ya. But it’s easier said than done.
G- But you have to try!! Please???
K- I am trying. I walked over 2 miles this morning.
G- I know, that’s great!! I’m proud of you!! Now, keep it up!!
G-So tell me about this project that I seem to be starring in.
K-Well I really look up to you. To me. Ugh!! I like who I am in you. You are living the way I want to live. You are a successful artist. You own a home. You have guys contacting you all the time.
G- Pfffttt!!! Yea and look how those relationships turned out.
K-Well, I admit meeting someone online is risky.
G- Uh huh!!
K-Ok, but I envy you.
G-Why? I am you.
K- I know. I know. I envy the freedom you have.
G- But, I am you!!!!
A little while later…
G- So I was wondering, Why do you feel the need to post this on a blog, on the internet?
K- Well I think it’s important. I believe a lot of people can relate to what I’m talking about. I feel like it’s almost a support group. In fact I consider it a community based collaboration. It’s almost like I’m journaling my experience. Trying to find my identity. A blog just seems like the best way to go about exploring and documenting this experience.
G- Our identity?!
K- Yes, Our identity.
G- You have been struggling with this for a while now haven’t you?
K- Yea, I admit I have. I have been lost for a long time. Sometimes I seem to find a familiar path to follow, but then I get lost again. It’s funny really, because I am great with maps and directions. So why is it so hard to find myself?
G- Maybe you need to find a new map?
And… a little while later…
G- What are you eating now??
K- Ummmm, nothing?
G- Yea, right!! I thought I told you to stop?
K- You did and I forgot. The story of my life.
G- What are we gonna do with you, with us??
K- Sighs!! Good question.
And…. a little while later…
G- Did you just stand your ground with that woman?
K- I sure did.
G- Wow! I’m impressed!
K- Hahaha, yea me too. It felt pretty good. I’m tired of doing things for everyone because I am so “nice.” It felt good to say what I feel and not care what anyone thinks.
G- Good for you!!