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A Conversation…

Kris- Who are you?

Gracie- What do you mean?

K- I mean, Who are you?

G- I’m Gracie.

K- Well, I know that, but, Who are you?

G- I’m you.

K- Well, I know that too, but what does that mean?

G- What do you want it to mean?

K- Ugh!!!

G- Seriously, Who do you think I am?

K-I think you are a representation of me. My surrogate. My Proxy. I think you are someone who I want to be.

G- Ummmm…..

K- Well, ok, I am already you, but I am more comfortable being you than being me. I am not comfortable in my skin. I feel more like myself in yours.

G- Why do you think that is?

K- Well, I’m not sure. Part of it is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being judged or being looked down on because I am not ideal for our society.

G- but… hmmmm.

K- When I am you, I am free to be real. I am free to come out of hiding.

G- Why are you hiding?

K-Well I don’t know that I’m hiding, per se, but it comes downn to that rejection thing again. I don’t know.

G-Yea me neither. So what are you eating right now?

K- Ummmm, why do you ask?

G-Because I know it can’t be good. So spill.

K- *rolls eyes* M&M’s

G- Ugh!!! I thought you quit cold turkey??

K-I did.

G- So?

K- So?

G- Why did you start again?

K- Because they sounded good.

G- Uh huh!

K- Well they did. Ok, plus I’m sitting at work and I got the munchies. Especially where I’m working and who I’m working with today. It’s comfort food.

G- Yea, I know. But you need to stop. It’s just not good for you. Think of Dad!! Don’t forget he died at 50 years old from a heart attack. You’re 36. You need to think about your health.

K- Yea I know. I hear ya. But it’s easier said than done.

G- But you have to try!! Please???

K- I am trying. I walked over 2 miles this morning.

G- I know, that’s great!! I’m proud of you!! Now, keep it up!!

K- Thx.

G-So tell me about this project that I seem to be starring in.

K-Well I really look up to you. To me. Ugh!! I like who I am in you. You are living the way I want to live. You are a successful artist. You own a home. You have guys contacting you all the time.

G- Pfffttt!!! Yea and look how those relationships turned out.

K-Well, I admit meeting someone online is risky.

G- Uh huh!!

K-Ok, but I envy you.

G-Why? I am you.

K- I know. I know. I envy the freedom you have.

G- But, I am you!!!!

A little while later…

G- So I was wondering, Why do you feel the need to post this on a blog, on the internet?

K- Well I think it’s important. I believe a lot of people can relate to what I’m talking about. I feel like it’s almost a support group. In fact I consider it a community based collaboration. It’s almost like I’m journaling my experience. Trying to find my identity. A blog just seems like the best way to go about exploring and documenting this experience.

G- Our identity?!

K- Yes, Our identity.

G- You have been struggling with this for a while now haven’t you?

K- Yea, I admit I have. I have been lost for a long time. Sometimes I seem to find a familiar path to follow, but then I get lost again. It’s funny really, because I am great with maps and directions. So why is it so hard to find myself?

G- Maybe you need to find a new map?

And… a little while later…

G- What are you eating now??

K- Ummmm, nothing?

G- Yea, right!! I thought I told you to stop?

K- You did and I forgot. The story of my life.

G- What are we gonna do with you, with us??

K- Sighs!! Good question.

And…. a little while later…

G- Did you just stand your ground with that woman?

K- I sure did.

G- Wow! I’m impressed!

K- Hahaha, yea me too. It felt pretty good. I’m tired of doing things for everyone because I am so “nice.” It felt good to say what I feel and not care what anyone thinks.

G- Good for you!!

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