Well, first, I know this whole project seems like one long confession. I always wonder how much I should reveal and how much I should conceal. Unfortunately for me, sometimes I just don’t know when to keep my mouth shut. Haha.
Anyway, It’s been a pretty cathartic experience, this whole project. I have come to see myself in new, different, interesting, sometimes good and sometimes bad ways. I look at some of the pictures I take and think, Oh My God, I just don’t like how I look. I can see myself getting bigger through the photos. I can feel myself getting bigger through my clothes. It’s not pretty or funny.
I actually had a good week this week. I went grocery shopping, bought some healthier foods, cooked and even took my lunch to work. I even went without ice cream for a couple days. Then I went to work on Wednesday and Friday. Both days were fine. But, it was work, it was a job, a mundane experience where I sit behind a desk in front of the computer answering phones. (Hmmmm I should really think about this sitting in front of the computer thing.. I think that is a key). So, I sat there watching people eat all around me, and I was hungry. Or I think I was. I don’t know. I have a hard time reading my body in that regard. I had the idea that M&M’s sounded really really good. So I got some from the vending machine. I got M&M’s each day I worked. Wednesday, Friday and Saturday night. They were good. They were fulfilling for the time. Come on they are M&M’s. Can’t go wrong. Except later on when you start to see “M&M” tattooed on your thighs. Geez, I haven’t even gotten to my confession yet.
Ok so I worked last night, Saturday night, a graveyard shift. From 7pm-7am. It was an interesting night to say the least. Weirdo patients, the computer system went down, slow at first then busier early in the morning, then we heard about an accident at 5am. A fatality on the 210 freeway, 3 of 5 family members passed away. I was exhausted and on the verge of tears. I ask myself, “Why do I work here?” I guess why do we have jobs to begin with. I need the money. I have to pay bills. Ok I’m getting off track. I took the picture of me for Day 22 at 6am this morning. I was so tired and thinking of the family that lost their lives this morning. I have always believed that life is too short. I believe in Carpe Diem. I believe we have to live in the moment, for the moment and not be scared. Well what I believe and what I do sometimes are in opposition.
So confession… I woke up at noon today and went and got Ice Cream. Yep, Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream from Baskin Robbins. This is after eating a sandwich. I just got a craving and thought it would make me feel better. And of course, as I savoured the dark chocolate and mint flavor in my mouth. It was so good. That is all I thought of. Then when the container was empty, It all came back. “Hey, what the hell am I doing?” I’m sure Gracie is asking the same question, you can see the sad look in her face. Ok, another confession. I did this yesterday too. Bought Ice Cream. Yea, I know. Not good.
So, I have said it before and I will say it again, until it’s true… “This is the last time!! Tomorrow morning I am going to go walk.” I hope.